The spiral ladder to Work-Life Balance

When it comes to finding balance - or integration, if you prefer - between work and life, everyone will have a different perspective and story. And I strongly believe we can all learn from each other, so hope you can appreciate and get value out of mine.

They say “Crazy is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result each time”. Well, luckily I don’t need to worry — by now you have already established that I am crazy.

This story is about how I made the same mistake. Many times. And eventually learned from them.

Once upon a time, there was a not so little girl named Isabelle (at 11 I was already 176cm, so little was never a word used to describe me). Isabelle was also not a princess — unless we’re talking about Mulan, Merida or any other strong independent “I don’t need a prince to save me” kind of girl.

She was an outstanding student at school, had very good grades at uni, and turned into a highly committed professional. Isabelle learnt that she had to always get it right. That was who she was. How people recognised her. How she recognised herself.

At school, it was too easy. At uni, it wasn’t hard. But at work… Yeap, that’s when the challenge began. There is no way to learn beforehand everything you need. No answer sheet. You can always do more. Do better. So our little princess started to work like crazy.

Don’t get me wrong. I truly enjoyed what I was doing. I’ve been passionate about all the jobs I have had. The quest for work-life balance began when I realised I was not enjoying the rest enough.

The first time it hit me I was playing the entrepreneur. We managed to sell a project for a big company, something that could lead to a new and significant revenue stream. Exciting, huh?!

So as any good hero’s journey, life was good — until it was not. I had the opportunity to travel and visit two of my best friends, but it had to be in the same week of the project delivery.

I thought that I could never request a business change because of my personal life, and didn’t want to lose the opportunity to see my friends. So, decided to handover my part to the team and travel.

However, things didn’t go as planned and I had to work while being there. What would have been fine, if I hadn’t felt so anxious and guilty. Guilty of being away, of making the call to prioritise my personal life. Guilty enough to not enjoy my time there. Even after providing remote support to the team, I still couldn’t disconnect.

That’s when I realised: if these friends — who have the most impressive ability to make me laugh — can’t take my mind off work, there is something seriously wrong.

Many other similar moments started to come to light. Happy hours worrying about the unfinished tasks in the office, birthdays I had missed, all the “Sorry mum, I’m working, can’t talk”. A constant feeling that I had to be productive 100% of my days. That’s heavy little princess, relax!

So I promised myself: this will not happen again.

I pulled my s**t together and decided my life needed a change. Music was the way to go. In the same week, I started a DJ course, bought a guitar and joined Forro (Brazilian folk dance) classes. I discovered I am a terrible DJ, I can play if I put some effort into it, and I love the dance floor. Dancing would be my after-hours passion and lead the way to a balanced life.

Nine months later (no, I was not having a baby), I was arriving in Melbourne to join a full-time dancing course. My life had changed. Yay!

As it was not realistic to make any money out of my beginner dancing abilities, I accepted an opportunity to work as a management consultant.

The firm I started working for had the most fantastic group of people. Everyone incredibly helpful. All the times I requested, someone would offer immediate help. The only problem? I wasn’t requesting.

I started working like crazy again, subconsciously thinking I had to do everything by myself and get it all right. Before I knew it, I was talking to the client on my holidays, staying long hours in the office and crying in the shower by the end of the day.

One of my best childhood friends gave me the hint: “Isn’t it interesting that you moved to the other side of the world only to do exactly the same thing you promised never to do again?” Slap in the face.

Thank you, Tata. You were right. I had hit rock bottom. Again.

This time, I had to do something sustainable. So I went deep into a self-awareness journey, reaching for help and searching for improvement in the professional and personal spheres.

In this journey, I realised that I was measuring myself exclusively through my work. My career accomplishments defined my success in life. I couldn’t make the distinction between my professional and personal self.

Clarifying this belief allowed me to transform. I was able to redefine what success looks like and who I wanted to be.

Today, I work normal hours. I do things that personally matter to me. I train, dance, spend quality time with people I love. I regularly call my family and friends who are in different parts of the world.

I feel lighter. And happier. Much happier.

Here are a few things I’ve learnt:

> The ladder to personal growth is a spiral. You will feel as if you’re going through the same experiences over and over, when in fact you will be at each occasion a level higher. When you make the same mistake the second (or third, or seventeenth) time, you will be closer to handling the situation better.

> Reaching a dark place can be the best turning point you could wish for. It’s so much harder to get out of your comfort zone when things are “just fine”.

> It is less about the hours, more about how you deal with the tasks. If you can’t disconnect even when you’re supposed to be having fun, it might be a good hint to reassess your work-life balance.

> The opposite is also true: if any personal issue is stopping you from focusing at work, high chances there is some imbalance there.

> Work-life balance doesn’t mean you don’t love your work; it entitles you to have other passions. Having different realms of life is excellent to gain perspective and be continuously inspired.

> Having official commitments in your personal life is a powerful strategy. It’s like giving yourself an “excuse” to stop working. While dancing or training, I felt I was still learning and being productive.

> However, just having external commitments is not enough. If you indeed want to transform something, you need to understand why you’re repeating that behaviour you want to let go.

> Finding balance is intrinsically related to accepting vulnerability and imperfection. It is always possible to do more. To do better. But it has a cost. The beauty lies in consciously choosing what is a priority for you. We are humans. We are not perfect. And that’s ok.

> Finally, finding balance takes practice. You have to be continuously aware and address what is happening in your life on a daily balance.

This is why I created Soar - a place to regularly practice mine - and yours - emotional resilience and agility.